i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
