I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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