Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.