mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner