what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
