You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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