I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
