You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize