I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
