I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
