I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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