who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
