I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i think i have two assholes
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dick very happy bro
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
