her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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