She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
