get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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