So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
