the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
