she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize