WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
