Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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