If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
