I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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