We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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