Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
