After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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