im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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