i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?