if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.