I want to stick my p in your. b.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.