How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just forgot I was standing up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate