Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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