The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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