I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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