I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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