what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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