OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
