just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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