It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
