so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
