He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
