I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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