Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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