Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
