i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
