I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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