i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
