Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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