I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm both gender and math confused
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
