I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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