I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
