i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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