You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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