He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
