shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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