i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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