I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
