she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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