If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
