Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
