you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
