my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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