he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
